Tag: IVF

A VERY un-merry unbirthday

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In May, a forthcoming fertility update was promised; here it is three months late. What follows has been written and rewritten many times over the past year to perfect each sentence. The events feel severely unfair and always trigger more tears than one human should be able to produce in a single setting. To stave off extra tears, embarrassment to others, and protect the anonymity of some, names will be changed and metaphors will be used in place of actual events.

July was … … … and we made it through, though just barely and not unscathed!!

This week did bring the promising news concerning J, our foster baby, with a goal status change in court on Monday, though it’s still a long road and a couple more court cases, our chance to keep her forever looks better than ever. However, they always tell you in foster situations, you never know until you know…a confusing way to say things only become finalized and official once the judge rules and the forms are all signed and finalized.

In the 1860s men both affiliated with Christ’s Church in Oxford became friends due to proximity. One July day in 1862 Charles Dodgson took the daughters (Lorina (13), Alice (10), Edith (8) of his friend Henry Liddell on a boat trip. During their picnic lunch at the insistence of the middle daughter Charles “invented tales of fantastical adventures” of a character he named after little Alice Liddell. At Alice’s further demanding Dodgson published these tales under the pen name Lewis Carroll three and a half years later. Now the first Saturday in July is known as “Alice’s Day,” after the infamous boat trip which brought the world Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

My obsession with all things tea-related began in high school, along with strong fixations on books and writing, specifically the works of Jane Austen and Alice in Wonderland.

The heartbreaking chronicles of today’s tales began over two years ago in July 2023. When we moved from IUIs to starting the process of IVF. Now I’m finally ready to share the details of our main baby journey. The following contains both the merry and un-merry moments of the past twenty-four months. As with all my emotional and personal posts this year, it takes my brain forever to type the perfect words to describe my sentiments toward our fertility circumstances. The whimsy and oddities in the tales of Wonderland will help lighten the tale of our past year.

Rules and real life Tea Parties

We have a rule in our home, set by me, which restricts fall decorating to no sooner than the day following my birthday. Partly to set a guideline for when fall festivities can begin in our home, and partly so that my birthday can remain separate from the beginning of the holiday extravaganzas (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas). In 2024, however, decorating could not begin until September 6th, following a birthday tea party. Though even with permission granted, the fall decorations took many extra weeks to appear in 2024, with the appearance of an umpteenth 2024 illness battle. We were sick about 5 times from July to December of last year, following J entering our home.

The second of two tea parties of 2024 was planned around the movie Crazy Rich Asians. Asian Tea, Asian food, Singaporian desserts, and many friends from our neighborhood, followed by a viewing of the movie to celebrate the birthday’s of myself (Sept 2) and my friend Cali (Sept 7). 2025 included a barbie spa tea party, and I have yet to decide what to do for this year’s birthday tea party.

PICTURES: Tea table display, Decorations (with movie quotes), Food layout – Singaporian noodles, pork, spring rolls, GF dumplings, GF Pandan cupcakes, Singapore Sling Mocktail, Boba Tea, Ginger Tea, pomegranate tea, More decorations, dumpling prep station and leopard pictures, leaf wall behind the table!

So the next many paragraphs do not produce great confusion, here is a quick layout of our journey.

Following our meeting in July, we started the process, for the egg retrieval, embryo creation, testing, shots…so many shots sometimes 3 a day into my abdomen of some really expensive medications. Towards the end of August, we did the egg retrieval. They told us to expect that during each stage of the process, viable embryo numbers would likely be half of the previous number.

EGG RETRIEVAL STAGES AND NUMBERS

  • 20 eggs were retrieved
  • 13 large enough to possibly make it
  • 10 fertilized
  • 7 made it all the way to the blastocyst stage – (day 5 embryos – stage needed to be a possibility to be transferred)
  • Then following genetic testing even fewer were viable (euploid grade) for the embryo transfer process.

On July 18, 2023, we had our first official IVF appointment with our fertility doctor. A couple of days later, we were given a rundown of the substantial costs of IVF, which, before insurance, for the egg retrieval and embryo creation testing, etc, cost around $22,000. And each embryo transfer (placing of the embryo into my body) cost around $4700 for meds, tests and the actual procedure.

A Lazy Little Tea Party

I adore any reference to Lewis Carroll’s classic Wonderland story, specifically the lazy little tea party among some of wonderland’s favorite kooks the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, and the sleepy Dormouse. (Alice In Wonderland Chapter VII)

When Alice first comes upon the party the March Hare shouts “No room! No room!” even though the three characters only used a small corner of the large table. The March Hare then offers wine when there is only tea available to make the point that manners of civility were broken by both sides, his for offering an unavailable beverage, and Alice for joining their party uninvited. To which Alice remarks that the table is “laid for a great many more than three.”

Being childless while going to church with, spending time with and living in a place where large families reside in abundance, where family is a central part of everyone’s daily life, feels similar to Alice attending this party uninvited. All the while having “No room! No room!” silently shouted at you. Never of course spoken aloud, but it’s that sinking feeling you feel when you enter a room, where you feel just a tiny bit out of place in every setting. Though having J who is such a joy to our lives and excludes us from being in the entirely childless category, the uncertainty of our future with J causes the failure to have children in other ways to often feel like that emptiness that childlessness often brings.

This is madness

The Mad Hatter, believed to represent madness, chaos, and confusion, continues the conversation with Alice with answerless riddles and nonsense comments rather than answering any of Alice’s questions. Infertility often represents that same type of answerless riddle, which can drive individuals in the depths of a fertility journey to similar madness and confusion. Especially when every test comes back normal, or our fertility doctor says things such as “There is no reason that things shouldn’t have worked, everything looked great, the medication levels looked good”… The hatter perhaps started as sane and rational, but circumstances changed the status quo and drove him insane.

The original tea party illustration depicts the Hatter with his famous 10/6 hat and the March hare with straw on his head. The in the style of 10/6 means a similar hat would cost 10 shillings and a sixpence. The straw was meant to symbolize “straw head or empty headedness, and ultimately that the hare is also a symbol of madness in the story.

The chaos continues when Hatter mentions putting butter in the watch gears, which makes his watch two days off, even though the March Hare assures the Hatter, “It was the best butter.” A sentiment repeated again by the Hare after dipping the watch in his tea. Rather than considering the butter to be the problem, he then blames the possible crumbs transferred over from the bread-knife.

For years, many doctors told me I was probably the problem with us not being able to have children. Although male infertility contributes to nearly half of the infertility cases that couples face. A surgery to treat endometriosis in 2015, and countless other tests of my hormone levels, vitamin levels, and general health, each returned within normal ranges. The doctors were following that trail of bread crumbs without considering that the issue could, in fact, be something else preventing pregnancy. And yet regardless of the “best butter” normal tests, the best embryos (AA and AB Euploid), the perfect environment for the embryo to thrive, sometimes even IVF fails to work, because for whatever reason the crumbs (unknown embryo factors, and other unknowns outside of the control of everyone) and not the butter is at fault for the embryo transfer not resulting in pregnancy (ruining the “watch gears”).

It’s Always Tea TIME!

At this point in the tea party story Alice was rightfully frustrated with the direction of the conversation, so she mentioned that they were wasting TIME on silly riddles with no answer, and the Hatter’s retort was even madder than his previous repetitions and nonsense that time wasn’t an it, it was a HIM!! Then later suggested that if Alice were on good terms with time he would help move time to her desires.

To then confirm suspicions that the party goers were also on bad terms with time the Hare whispers “I only wish it was,” that time was on their side. As an explanation to Alice, Hatter recounted the reason for the feud between TIME and himself: a quarrel the previous March. Upon retelling the story remembered it was at a concert for the Queen of Hearts where he sang:

‘Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you’re at!’

‘Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea-tray in the sky.
                    Twinkle, twinkle—’”

The Queen started the fight between Hatter and Time by declaring ‘He’s murdering time! Off with his head!’ Creating the rift so ever since March “He [TIME] won’t do a thing I ask! It’s always six o’clock now.” As a result of it always being six o’clock also means “it’s always tea-time, and we’ve no time to wash the things between whiles.” So as things are used up, they travel round and round the table until they reach the beginning again and “change the subject” and begin again in a never-ending cycle of tea partying.

This now begs the question for our situation: what did Brent or I do to anger Time so that we have been unable to successfully progress forward in our journey towards having children for over a decade? Why do I often feel like our journey is frozen in time? Like the Hatter, we continue to age, and time moves forward around us, yet our fertility journey is stuck at 6pm, always tea time, and never the reward of what comes next after tea time, which in our case would be a successful pregnancy and a baby.

Now back to Wonderland, with more craziness, ultimately ending with an offended Alice walking off, thus concluding the tea party portion of the story. Alice’s final thoughts on the party were “At any rate, I’ll never go there again!” as she picked her way through the woods. “It’s the stupidest tea-party I ever was at in all my life!”, before continuing on.

I wish, like Alice, I could step away from the tea party and continue on with the rest of my story.

Current journey and Unbirthdays

I always believed the unbirthday conversation occurred with the Mad Hatter during the tea party, as it was weaved into Disney’s 1951 tea party scene. When in fact the very Merry unbirthday conversation and scenario were written into Carroll’s second book Through the Looking Glass and was between Alice and Humpty Dumpty. Though no matter who has the conversation with Alice the message is still the same.

Some of the lyrics Disney’s team creating Alice in Wonderland wrote into the song match directly to the conversation Carrol wrote:

All: A very merry unbirthday to us, to us…
March Hare: If there are no objections, let it be unanimous…
March Hare: Let’s all congratulate us with another cup of tea!
A very merry unbirthday to you!

Mad Hatter: Now, statistics prove, prove that you’ve one birthday
March Hare: Imagine, just one birthday every year
Mad Hatter: Ah, but there are three hundred and sixty four unbirthdays!
March Hare: Precisely why we’re gathered here to cheer

Alice:Why, then today is my unbirthday too!
March Hare:It is?!
Mad Hatter:What a small world this is.
March Hare:In that case…
A very merry unbirthday,
Alice: To me?
Mad Hatter: To you!

The un-birthday I speak of is not merry, nor is it a birthday at all, rather distant, painful memories.

Following our expensive egg retrieval, the first transfer occurred on Halloween of 2023, following six weeks of more meds and several days of shots this time in my bottom and way more painful than the ones in my abdomen. We transferred one of our male embryos. July 15th, 2024, when I initially began this blog entry, would have been my due date had the first transfer been successful.

Luckily, financially, all except about $10,000 of the first retrieval and transfer was covered by insurance, with much of that going to medications. However, as of November 2023, we no longer have fancy insurance with extra fertility treatments, so any future transfers would be out of pocket. A portion of almost everything except those pesky, expensive medications was covered. The first transfer also fell under the umbrella of insurance covered some and the rest came from that $10,000 mentioned above.

Three emotional months later, trying to hold myself together, some diet changes, and I was ready to try again. So back on the meds, and then near the end of February, the painful bum stabbing started again, six days before transfer number two. This time, we transferred a female embryo, only for the second one not to work either. The due date (un-birthday as it was unsuccessful) for the second transfer would have been around November 11th, so the end of October 2024 lead to yet another emotional spiral. The second transfer cost about $3500 above the $10,000 spent previously.

With two failed IVF embryo transfers, we were tentative to try again with our rapidly dwindling number of viable embryos, and the looming possibility that we may need to do another egg retrieval hangs in the balance. From July 2024 until April 2025 I lost 35 lbs to hopefully help with the next embryo transfer. Additionally we ran further expensive tests ($800), resulting in taking two expensive hormone shots, which we purchased from the UK, “saving” us about $2200 and instead only costing us $822 total instead of over $3000. Then another small procedure costing $860, and then $4125 for our recent embryo transfer and medications needed for the transfer.

LEFT: JUNE 2024; RIGHT: APRIL 2025

So now, with a heavy heart, I come with news that our third and final viable embryo transfer was unsuccessful. The typical number of embryo transfers necessary for a successful transfer is between one and five transfers. And I’m just one of the unlucky ones for whom it didn’t take any of the three times, in spite of all the extra steps I did to hopefully sway the balance in our favor. We were told in a recent follow-up appointment that at the clinic we are doing our treatments that around 90% of the couples typically have a successful transfer within three transfers; so once again, we have been among the unlucky ones who did not fall into that 90%.

Many many months ago after the first failed embryo transfer, I held a bit of unfairly placed resentment towards my husband for us not having kids and for us not being able to conceive naturally. My mom often tells me: “You married a good one.” And he is great, but I am devastated that he cannot give me the one thing I want more than anything in the world right now. A lot of that resentment has since been resolved with the busy-ness of our lives the past six months and from the continued confirmation that we truly have a wonderful marriage.

Additionally, is it his fault we can’t conceive naturally? Technically yes. Though even the word fault is an unfair descriptor, as he had no control over the ability to have children. So then, technically speaking, it is my in-laws’ fault for passing down the CF gene, which causes the CBAVD anomaly in males. The dichotomy of my situation is that I hate that my life’s trajectory has forced me to endure the pain of childlessness without any capacity to fix the genetic mistake, and yet I love my in-laws. Where is the fairness in that? [See post Catching Something Invisible for the details on CBAVD].

I had a friend come to me recently to ask some very personal questions about the process, and why we were not doing things a certain way, and maybe the way we were doing things was the reason things were not successful. To them, I say they how dare they challenge my already teetering faith by saying that we must not be listening to promptings of the spirit, and need advice from their prompting about our situation, someone who fundamentally does not understand the process or everything we have put into IVF (money, blood, sweat, tears). And this friend has never struggled with infertility.

Our fertility doctor did everything in her power to help us grow our family, and this go around it just wasn’t in the cards. So back to square 0. Not quite zero, but close because we are out of embryos, do not have fancy fertility insurance coverage, lost the weight, and have done all of the extra tests and procedures. Honestly, I don’t really know where to go from here.

@swuangoddess

#infertility #infertilityjourney #IVF #cf #waiting #eggretrieval #embryotransfer #letitbe #CapCut

♬ Let It Be – 2021 Mix – The Beatles

The most prominent physical transformation is when Alice drinks from the bottle labeled “Drink me,” and after shrinking down, she must navigate a much larger and more intimidating world. Representing the challenges of new and unfamiliar situations and learning to navigate the complexities of world, which Alice must do in the strange world of Wonderland.

Likewise, the world of infertility is a large and intimidating world. It is confusing, scary, painful, heartbreaking, and difficult to navigate. You are required to “drink” the drink and shrink down, to navigate an unfamiliar situation, while not asking too many questions, or expecting too many answers. You meet people who have no intention of hurting or offending you during the process, but do so out of ignorance.

While the other characters in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland are believed to have all manner of mental disorders these do not directly relate to our fertility story, such as Alice having hallucinations and personality disorders, the White rabbit having General Anxiety disorder being always worried about being late, The caterpillar represents drug addiction, The Cheshire Cat represents schizophrenia with his at will disappearance and reappearances thus distorting reality and driving other characters to madness. And so on…

While Alice in Wonderland is not a perfect analogy of our fertility journey, the parallels bear enough of a connection to use to tell a portion of our story. Now, we must detour to focus on our foster/adoption journey with J and regroup to decide what to do next. If you, too, are in the fertility trenches and have gone down the rabbit hole of uncertainty and feel you are wandering aimlessly around confusing Wonderland, you are not alone. Hang in there.

Our holiday theme plans for the end of the year were derailed spectacularly with last week’s sad news, but we have a new plan in the works as of the day after we learned of the failed transfer. Hopefully, our next un-birthdays will be merry, and our birth dates will be reality, and not days to cry endlessly over. As always the only thing to do is press on and Start Where yoU Are Now, no matter how hard it may seem.

The Pendulum Swings

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Wednesdays are for Fertility!! 

This is a long one so buckle up!! And thank you for reading!

Some types of emotional pain do not lessen with age or time. Infertility is one of those pains. Even those families who struggled through it and are on the other side with a beautiful child or children, always remember the months and months, and perhaps years of tears and heart-wrenching pain ripping at their incomplete souls. 

Thoughts on Fertility from a religious scope

Religions prescribe that if you follow the rules and have faith things will turn out alright. Life is not perfect, individuals will still go through trials and hard times, but well enough that you won’t feel like you are in an endless abyss of torment in the pits of…well you know. 

Romans 8:28 in the bible says: 

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” 

Then explain to me, a good Christian girl who tried to follow all the rules, served a volunteer mission, married a good Christian boy, reads my scriptures, prays, attends church, etc., etc; how wanting children is not advancing God’s purpose? What rules did I break, and what purpose-seeking did I fall short of? Why are baby things not working together for MY good?  Additionally, how does this scripture explain couples who struggle to have children for years and are never able to successfully reproduce? What rules did they break? Or for that matter what rules did my peacemaker of a husband break to deserve to be born without the ability to naturally conceive a baby? 

Sometimes I wish I wanted to be in the childless-by-choice camp, so the pain would dissipate. But I don’t. These wounds could heal, with either the acceptance of childlessness or the fulfillment of the dream of becoming a mother, but the scars will always remain. I understand that it would be easier to accept my fate and move on, travel the world, to go where I want, when I want. To not have to worry about calling a babysitter, or child care if I decided I wanted to work and have kids. But I don’t want to accept that fate. I’m not quite ready to give up. And can you blame me?

I was conditioned by my religion and upbringing to want children. On the one hand, my upbringing stunted me a little with the way Christianity so heavily focuses on motherhood for women. As I result, I always thought by now I would have at least a child or two and be spending most of my time raising them. If I had known ten or even five years ago that I wouldn’t have children yet, I may have pushed harder for a career in the field I’m currently getting a master’s degree in. I married young (age 23), fully expecting to be a stay-at-home mom with 3-5 kids, Muffler (my dog), and chickens. I’m mostly joking about the chickens. 

I fear the religion I was raised in has not set up a good, safe, non-judgmental environment for people in my childless predicament. The sad reality of my environment is that due to my motherhood status, I am unintentionally excluded from the club. 

Peach Blossom Stems from my yard.

I don’t want to buy myself flowers. 

At my church women, in leadership roles, reach out when someone in the area loses a loved one asking for monetary donations to buy the individual or family flowers. Which, is of course a nice gesture to someone grieving the loss of a family member. Why can’t someone (not my husband) bring me flowers with a note saying “Sorry for your loss. Sorry that you once again got your period and that’s devastating. Sorry that infertility is so, hard and unfair. Sorry that life is a little mundane and a little empty right now. Sorry that a religion that is supposed to be filled with love, and acceptance is making you feel a little sad, ostracized, and excluded at the moment.

Or something like that.    

Social Media Pitfalls

My neighborhood and church Facebook pages often have event posts about the children in my area and I just have to scroll past them because there isn’t an ‘ignore or does not apply” button for posts inside of groups. 

Another social media trigger came self-inflicted this week when I commented on a fertility post. Lately, my Instagram and Facebook have been force-feeding me every product and ad on the market about fertility, balancing hormones, and conceiving naturally. 

The post asked the question: “What would you do if IVF was no longer an option?” and then posted several slides about natural conception not being impossible. To which I responded:

“Natural conception is sadly impossible for us and IVF is literally our only option, but it’s great that you are trying to help other women conceive naturally.”

I expected some pushback of “but natural conception is possible for a good majority.” instead this make-a-dollar fertility “influencer” said, “My program works great alongside IVF as well!!” 

Still thinking this was a good-hearted soul wanting to help those on my same journey I clicked the link. The 4-week health detox, cleanse was $700. No, thank you! I could buy a similar detox book I found written by a doctor for $15.99. These courses are being marketed to women with unsuccessful IUIs, IVF, and years of trying. They are charging vulnerable women hundreds of dollars to do a detox that may or may not result in pregnancy. Women who have already had years of failed fertility treatments, and possibly thousands of dollars of sunk costs tied into those fertility treatments. These women probably struggle with feelings of inadequacy, have baby hunger on the level of starvation, and are willing to do nearly anything to become pregnant. What a disgusting trend. I quickly clicked off the page and fumed about it for a while. 

Announcements, Announcements, Announcements!! 

Announcements, announcements, announcements!
What a terrible way to die,
A terrible way to die,
A terrible way to be talked to death
A terrible way to die!

Remember the announcements song from years at church girls’ camp. 

While writing this my brain accidentally connected baby announcements to death. But for the sake of analogy, I guess I do die a little emotional death with every new baby announcement. 

Look, I don’t expect family and friends to withhold information about having a baby from me, I can handle it. If everyone tiptoes around the topic for fear of how painful baby news is for me to hear, I will either accidentally find out, which hurts more. Or there would be a bunch of toddlers running around that I wouldn’t know existed. This would certainly be an odd way to attempt to keep friendships strong. Babies are a natural flow of life. Besides, if no one ever had them, humans would eventually become extinct. Just be sure, no matter how you decide to tell us, who can’t figure out this fertility thing, be gentle. Our hearts have been through the ringer of disappointments where babies are concerned. 

I remember when my seven years my junior sister announced to my husband and I that she was pregnant. She planned to tell our immediate family together one evening when my brother and his family were visiting, but we had to leave early that day, and some of the family hadn’t arrived back at my parent’s house yet. So my sister and brother-in-law awkwardly waited for us in the garage while we said our ‘see you laters’ to my parents. 

Then we got in our car and my brother-in-law asked if they could ride in the car around the block for a minute. As soon as our vehicle was in reverse I looked at my sister sitting in the back seat and she started crying and I started crying. My confused husband kept asking “‘what was happening” and I said “She’s pregnant.” And he suddenly understood. My sister knew this announcement though happy would bring me some pain. She made sure of a few things:

  1. That I heard it from her and not from someone else. 
  2. That I was not the last to hear the news.
  3. That I was in a safe space to cry when she told me. 

Though, when they shared their news with the extended family (Aunt’s, Uncles, Grandparents) a couple of months later, an off-handed comment about “finally” was made during their slide show presentation, which triggered me into spending the next half hour crying in the front yard of my aunt and uncle’s house away from inquisitive eyes. Yes, “finally,” after two whole years. I admit that I am overly sensitive about the topic, but I feel my tears are justified by the level of hard extended infertility brings. 

I carry zero resentment for my sister, and I absolutely adore her now one-year-old little boy. 

More recently one of my best friends just announced the pregnancy of her third child. Thankfully she allowed me to be disappointed with grace, by telling me three weeks before she told her parents and then subsequently the rest of the world. Who knows how my sarcastic shoulder demon would have clapped back at the devastating betrayal if she had waited for me to find out with the rest of Facebook. Again, thankfully she saved our nearly two-decades-long friendship by telling me before so I could process the announcement, grieve my own circumstances, and muster up all the happiness she deserves, by the time the sonogram pictures hit my feed. I am further grateful I didn’t have to simultaneously click the like button and have a cry about it, as the crying was already done weeks ago. 

Avoidance is sometimes less painful.

I also just found out that my cousin’s wife is also pregnant. And fairly far along as she is starting to plan her baby shower. I don’t think it was a secret, but nothing was posted on their socials, and nothing was mentioned while my husband or I were within earshot. I learned off chance when my aunt mentioned being nearly a grandma on one of her recent Instagram stories. 

I woke Sunday morning fully prepared to attend an extended family luncheon (with that side of the family), but thankfully I woke up with a terrible sore throat, a headache, and a cough. When are you thankful to wake up sick, one might ask? When a baby shower for said pregnant cousin’s wife is discussed, especially when you have known about the pregnancy for what feels like only 10 minutes. Therefore,  you’re extremely unprepared to be excited, and would probably burst into tears instead. 

And because I was sick this past weekend, my grumpy sass wanted to text back “No thank you!” when my mom sent the save the date for the cousin’s baby shower this summer (in a text group with my mom and sisters – no cousins). However, I also learned that this cousin and his wife, who are almost a decade our juniors, want to have a happy little tea party baby shower, and because I am the resident expert on tea parties I couldn’t exactly “nope out.” The date in question for the shower happens to be the morning of my husband’s birthday. I cannot criticize them too harshly for picking that day as it is also my cousin’s birthday, and it makes sense that the couple would want to celebrate two things that day. Luckily I have a few months to put my emotions in order before the party. 

Now, as grateful as I was on Sunday I have been far less appreciative of that cough the past three days and simply want it to disappear.

“March comes in like a lion, What else…” 

Photo by Luke Tanis on Unsplash

While the song refers to the weather, much like a lion referring to harsh weather conditions, early March was an emotional blizzard. 

We had an immensely heartbreaking setback in March, on top of a few things on our baby side quest taking longer than expected. [More on Side quest news later]

So, late one night, a few weeks ago, Brent came out to the living room to quite a scene. I was in full-on break-down mode. Sobbing so hard I was shaking. I had tried to cry quietly, but at this sleep-deprived midnight snack moment, I couldn’t hold in my emotions any longer. We sat in tear-filled silence, while Brent held me for a while before I finally wiped my eyes on my pajamas and we headed to bed. 

The longer you’re in the trenches the harder each failed attempt hits. And the harder it is to pick back up and try again. Sometimes in this journey, I pendulum between spontaneous outbursts of tears, when my brain quiets for a moment between focusing on other tasks, and just feeling numb. 

Finding a balance between what I can control and what I cannot control, but would like to, seems a daunting and unmanageable thing. So,  for now, I’m trying to find peace in the middle zones, when we are in the waiting period,  between treatments or events. 

Infertility is a disease that affects too many people. While infertility is probably not a “this century” problem, it is a first-world problem exacerbated by processed foods, harmful environmental toxins, and genetic conditions. 

My therapist recently took another opportunity. So now instead of talking through my traumas, I bottle them up inside until I find the right word to write here. Hopefully, they are clear and not word vomit.

While we wait for the pendulum to swing in our favor, my next step is a four-day liquids detox I assembled after extensive Pinterest, Google, and Youtube research. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Here are two pictures of my dog as a final parting gift for those who at least scrolled to the bottom.

His fancy new haircut that is supposedly called a dragon haircut because it is like scales down his back
Him sleeping with his sad-wrapped paw. He’s fine. He just had a growth removed, and it needs to be wrapped for the next two weeks. He won’t leave it alone, which is why the bandage is chewed on.

Zero is the saddest number!

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It’s Wednesday! And Wednesday’s are for fertility!

Two years ago back in May of 2021, I took a spontaneous trip to North Carolina to visit two of my favorite humans whose names both happen to start with K. While there we had numerous emotional heart to heart conversations about the trials of life. The trip was to surprise one friend who was having a particularly hard time, and to visit the other who fortuitously lived about forty minutes away from the first.

Blurry airport photo of me on my way to visit my besties in North Carolina in 2021.

With one fabulous best friend we discussed some pretty tough and deeply personal things causing her to spiral downward. She mentioned how scary it is sometimes to raise children in a less than mentally stable world, where things could threaten the lives of her children. We also talked about managing large age gaps among children and how to teach and entertain both a toddler and a pre-teen. The final conversation that stuck with me during that week is her ‘mom’ guilt of having one child with some serious issues and the other that was perfectly healthy with nearly zero health issues. As her children grow, she wonders how she will explain why the healthy child can do activities that the other cannot. It’s completely unfair.

Both times she easily sustained the pregnancies. Both pregnancies were seemingly without complications. Except during the first pregnancy this amazing woman listened to a substantial prompting to move near family instead of staying a few states away. Heeding this message not only saved her first kid’s life, but also gave the young couple a better support system of family and friends close by when health procedures frequently abounded over the next few years. My point is even once the fertility issues are resolved it doesn’t mean the raising of said children or the living factors are resolved.

My other wonderful friend and her husband had a devastating time n regards to children, followed by hopeful good news all within her first twelve months of marriage. Less than seven months into marriage they announced the terrible heartbreak that their premature twins stayed on earth for only fleeting moments, before like a thief in the night were snatched by death. At about 24 weeks into a pregnancy where these parents were doing everything right were suddenly bombarded with this great tragedy because this dear friend went into labor prematurely. I remember right when I learned of this terrible time in their lives, a couple months later they were pregnant again with their now eight year old. And by the time I visited in May of 2021, also had an adorable two year old who just happens to have my first name as her middle name (which I feel truly honored by).

Our conversations leaned more to the side of everyone’s fertility journey is different and no one can truly understand another’s experience unless they lived the specifics of it personally. We all knew people who had miscarried fairly far along, lost an infant or a young child, in this friends case had lost her tiny twins at birth, stillborn babies, those like me who were unable to even get pregnant several years into marriage, people who easily get pregnant, but then their child struggle with disabilities or health problems from birth. No one’s baby journey is easy, and no one’s journey is the same.

Now for those pesky fertility stats

  • If 1 in 8 couples struggle to get pregnant in the first place. And In 2022 the United States had approximately 252.22 million adults, 61.44 million married couples (not to mention the couples in committed relationships who are also trying for kids). Around 45 million of those adults are women between the ages of 20-39 which is usually their most fertile years. Using ratios and math I figure about 22 million of those 45 million females are married. Now back to using the 1 in 8 rule means there are around 2.75 million couples who are or have struggled to get pregnant. While that is not an insignificant number, Brent and I still don’t love being in that group.
  • Miscarriages – I used to only hear the 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage, but thankfully as of February of 2023 the new stat is 10-20%, with 80% of those occurring before 12 weeks.
  • Natural Fertility according to fertilityanswers.com and my fertility OBGYN is only about 20%. Meaning 1 in 5 attempts at conceiving in a given cycle for a healthy fertile person, under optimal conditions (intimacy during ovulation) results in pregnancy
  • IUIs increase that 20% to 21-25% each cycle as a fertility clinic can eliminate some of the unknowns (motility, hormone levels, etc).
  • IVF increases the odds of conception and on-going pregnancy from 20% to around 60-65% success.
  • Fertility medications like letrozole or clomid can add around 10-19% to a woman’s chances of conceiving.
  • Getting pregnant with twins while on fertility meds is about 1 in 20 pregnancies or between 5-12% of the time.
  • Who is to blame for infertility – all parties!! (30% female attributed infertility, 30% male, 30% combination, and 10% unexplained infertility.)
  • 35% of women’s infertility is damaged fallopian tubes
  • 25% is due to ovulation issues – ovulating late, irregular cycles, not ovulating at all.
  • Weight-loss can greatly improve ovulation and success of fertility treatments, and decrease the chance of miscarriage
  • Sperm count below 10 million is poor, 10-40 million is average, and above 40 million is good.
  • Less than 3% of infertility patients need, IVF [which is still around 82.5 thousand] (see notes below)
  • One cycle of IVF in the United States costs between $8,000-$20,000 for the egg retrival portion and $3,000-$8000 for fertility medications and $3500 – $6,000 per embryo testing. It is believed many couples spend close-to $50,000 by the end of it all.
  • Various conditions contribute to infertility in both men and women – cancer, PCOS, hormone imbalances, motility, irregular cycles, diabetes, CF, autoimmune conditions, obesity, endometriosis, and more.

IVF NOTES: Though only 3% of those who struggle with fertility need IVF, after 10 years of figuring fertility things out, we may indeed fall in that 3%. Wish us luck! I would absolutely love for a vitamin or magic medication to fix things like it has for some of our friends, however that definitely won’t be the case for us, because of male infertility.

On another completely different comment on announcements!

I am convinced there are two timelines for announcing pregnancy. The moment the stick turns pink at 3-5 weeks pregnant & from the delivery room. Of course there are some in-between, but lately I feel that my facebook feed is filled with either new babies who were being announced for the first time with their welcome to the world pictures, or just a pregnancy test. I worry sometimes about those people who announce publicly before twelve weeks. It’s another one of those hold your breath moments until early announcers hit their second trimester.

As far as my fertility currently stands. All my tests have come back normal over the past several months – hormones, lady parts, bloodwork, etc. My OB has high hopes for our future. Those who relate to any aspect of the above stories, mentioned statistics, or this rollercoaster of emotions called fertility my heart goes out to you. Hang in there, especially if you are in the messy middle of this hellish journey. Remember no matter how rough today was concerning growing your family you will be okay. Start again tomorrow and hopefully find better baby news the next day! Additionally, if you ever need to vent about fertility to someone who gets it feel free to reach out. I’m optimistic 2024 will mean the Summer’s home will have more than zero babies, or at least one on the way!!